So who am I? What’s my story? I’m not entirely sure yet, but I’ll share what I know.

I am an adult survivor of child abuse- physical, verbal, emotional, and sexual. My life felt more like a nightmare. At the age of twelve, I attempted to cry out and let people know my pain, by attempting to take myself out of this world.

Consequently, I spent time in a mental hospital and upon release was put into foster care. My foster care experience was actually a good one, though I know many aren’t, but I was never fully able to deal with or remember my past. I tried therapy while in foster care, but the therapist seemed to quickly ostracize me and after a few months “graduated” me from the program, with no healing or progress on my end.

I later went to college on a full-scholarship, and my past came back to do some more damage to my life. I lost my scholarship and dropped out, ran away from my foster parents, and skipped the state. I moved in with my now husband in an attempt to find myself and find acceptance.

Now I’m a married mother with two precious children, but I don’t live the American dream- far from it. My past is even more destructive now than it was growing up. Memories are being unlocked, self-destructive mechanisms are rearing their ugly heads, and my marriage is breaking under the strain- and we have our own non-related issues as well.

I’m back in college at a crucial time in my life; it is my destraction therapy- something positive to look forward to each day. I’m working towards my Associates of Arts in English, and then have plans to transfer to the University and pursue my Bachelor of Arts in English, Education, or Creative Writing. Ultimately, I hope to earn a Masters of Fine Arts some day.

So, I have no shortage of personal goals, but I do have a shortage of personal resources, support team members, and coping mechanisms. Distraction seems to be the only way I can cope in an even remotely positive way at this point. I would like to pursue counseling but our financial situation seems to be a major hinderance to this most important step towards healing. For now, I am surviving the best way I know how, and some times those “best ways” aren’t any good at all.

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