Okay, this is straight from the pages of my recent journal entries.. so hoping it still makes sense. I NEED to post this here because it’s the only way I can convey what is going on. Because it touches on MANY different subjects, it feels best here. Feel free to move it elsewhere if needed.

DAY 1- Sunday May 16, 2010

(MAY contain RELIGIOUS TRIGGERS)

Talking to Pastor T and Mrs H today may have saved my life. I felt so out of control this morning, out of control and unsafe. I just had to get out of the house and knew I needed to go to church. So, reluctantly I went, even though I didn’t want to. Something told me I had to, and it wasn’t guilt.

I feel a sense of relief, not hiding my secret inside. SOMEONE KNOWS! I thought I would feel ashamed, but they didn’t make me feel that way at all. Instead, I feel relieved and loved.

Mrs. H said I should take a long look at my life and decide what I want and who I want to be, and then start living that out. That’s hard to make sense of, but I am trying. I want to be a good moth, a good homemaker, a good friend, a strong person of faith. I also want a good marriage.

One of the hardest parts about all of this is not feeling strong enough to go after what I want, or like I don’t deserve those things, but I know that there is something better meant for me.

Some of the things I DON’T want in my life any longer are easier to identify. I don’t want to feel mistreated by my spouse. I don’t want to feel rejected, neglected, and resented. I don’t want to feel out of control with my children. I want to feel like a loving, patient, understanding, and firm mom. I want to be a positive role model for my girls.

I don’t want to sit by and not pursue my dreams for the sake of my spouse. He can either support me or not, but I want to become the woman I feel I should be.

Knowing how to meae these things happen is much more difficult. Perhaps in the area of my marriage I can try ONE LAST TIME to lay it on the line and hope for change. I have already hoped so much; do I have it in me to hope any more? Something to consider..

For my children, I really need to learn how to be a good parent. I didn’t have good models at their ages, and thus far, I haven’t been a very good model myself. I need to learn. I need to do better.

As far as my dreams go, I will continue my education and look for a job to help ease the financial situation we’re going through. There is a plan, I just need the vision to see it. Hoping this will help me see.

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