I do not know if i can help anyone understand it…. It’s about expression as much as anything. Feeling so overwhelmed that your head is spinning and everything is a blur, all emotions clouded. You try everything else to ease the stress, the tension, the need to explode: writing, singing, blaring loud music until your ears bleed, running outside, doing cartwheels like an idiot, holding ice, shredding paper, everything else you can think of. Still, there is no relief, no outlet. It’s gruesome and horrid, the idea that the only thing which makes you feel alive, sane, is the one thing that could kill you, steal away your breath and it would be an accident. It’s shameful, morose, the way the whole addiction works, and you get this high from it that nothing else gives you. That’s why you do it again, and again. In those moments, as the red river flows, adrenaline surges through your body and it feels almost euphoric. For once, you don’t feel numb. Guilt follows, you know it’s dangerous, wrong, addictive, stupid, but it’s the only way you can express and let out the anger, frustration, stress, depression, anxiety. So you keep going back and the blade becomes a friend. The river flows deeper, into an ocean. The arteries become damaged, and eventually, you go too far. Whether you come back from that abyss, I know not. I only know that fighting against the current of desire, against the impulses, puts it off, but not forever, and then it’s worse than before. So, if it helps, and if delaying that help causes more danger, more damage, why not just do it and get it over with?