Tag Archive: faith

DAY 2- Monday May 17, 2010

I took time for me today. I went to a local coffee shop and read lots and spent some time thinking (and praying). I wrote out lots of stuff about overcoming self-injury.

I have not self-injured since Saturday evening. I threw out my “tools”when I got home from church yesterday.

I listened to some good music at the coffee shop, wrote lots in my journal specifically about my relationsp with my spouse. I am seeing more clear than I have in months.

I’m still really struggling with depression, the impulses, and the anxiety, but this is a step in a positive direction. I made a list of what I will/ will not allow in my life any more. All these things are giving me little doses of strength and control back. Each realization or action pushes me one step further away from the ledge. It feels good.

I am glad that I reached out, even if I didn’t intend to. It was the weirdest moment ever. My Pastor came to me and asked how I was; I said “I’ve been better.” He asked what was going on…. and I pulled up my sleeve. I thought for sure I would be judged, condemned. But instead, I found love… and acceptance, not chastisement. They spent an hour with me…. talking, praying, but MOSTLY JUST LISTENING Smile

Supposed to send Mrs H an email on Wednesday and let her know how my week is going. She said I could call if I got really edgy and needed someone to help me through it. WOW!


Okay, this is straight from the pages of my recent journal entries.. so hoping it still makes sense. I NEED to post this here because it’s the only way I can convey what is going on. Because it touches on MANY different subjects, it feels best here. Feel free to move it elsewhere if needed.

DAY 1- Sunday May 16, 2010


Talking to Pastor T and Mrs H today may have saved my life. I felt so out of control this morning, out of control and unsafe. I just had to get out of the house and knew I needed to go to church. So, reluctantly I went, even though I didn’t want to. Something told me I had to, and it wasn’t guilt.

I feel a sense of relief, not hiding my secret inside. SOMEONE KNOWS! I thought I would feel ashamed, but they didn’t make me feel that way at all. Instead, I feel relieved and loved.

Mrs. H said I should take a long look at my life and decide what I want and who I want to be, and then start living that out. That’s hard to make sense of, but I am trying. I want to be a good moth, a good homemaker, a good friend, a strong person of faith. I also want a good marriage.

One of the hardest parts about all of this is not feeling strong enough to go after what I want, or like I don’t deserve those things, but I know that there is something better meant for me.

Some of the things I DON’T want in my life any longer are easier to identify. I don’t want to feel mistreated by my spouse. I don’t want to feel rejected, neglected, and resented. I don’t want to feel out of control with my children. I want to feel like a loving, patient, understanding, and firm mom. I want to be a positive role model for my girls.

I don’t want to sit by and not pursue my dreams for the sake of my spouse. He can either support me or not, but I want to become the woman I feel I should be.

Knowing how to meae these things happen is much more difficult. Perhaps in the area of my marriage I can try ONE LAST TIME to lay it on the line and hope for change. I have already hoped so much; do I have it in me to hope any more? Something to consider..

For my children, I really need to learn how to be a good parent. I didn’t have good models at their ages, and thus far, I haven’t been a very good model myself. I need to learn. I need to do better.

As far as my dreams go, I will continue my education and look for a job to help ease the financial situation we’re going through. There is a plan, I just need the vision to see it. Hoping this will help me see.