Tag Archive: reaching out


dearest little ss,

for so long now, i have avoided looking at you. your eyes, they are mine, the same steel blue. the same pain runs through them into my soul. your freckles, i have them too. those scars, look here. see, feel. they are there, we share the same heart and the same pain. the same memories run through our veins. we are one, you and i.

i am older; i grew up. i can protect you now. i’m sorry that i couldn’t then. i am with you. i can see you. i can feel you. i can hear you. i am listening. take my hand. hold onto me. i will help you out of the darkness. i will guide you, protect you, love you.

precious one, you are not undone. your life has only just begun. look to the stars, look to the sun. i am here, little one.

I always tell myself that when I am hurting the most, that is when I need to reach out. So, with humility and hope for receiving compassion, I am going to share about the last few days.

The last few days I have been seriously struggling with my urges to self-injure. I have an interview for a job coming up mid-week, and I need my arms clear of marks. Since I could not resist the urge or compulsion to cut, I found a new spot, one less visible. The problem is that I cannot get the same relief from it. And I have to make a larger number of cuts to feel any relief at all. So for three days I have been injuring in this new place and last night I became really frustrated with myself.

In my desperation to make my world stop spinning, to feel grounded, to stop the pain in my heart that just wouldn’t quit, I took a large amount of pills and crawled into a bed. I woke up some hours later feeling dizzy and disoriented, but surprisingly not at all ill.

Saturday evening when I began feeling extremely low, I called my therapist and left her a voicemail. I knew that she would not receive it until today, but I reasoned with myself that at least I had attempted to do other things before I gave in to self-destructive behaviors.

I feel very groggy and everything seems to be moving in slow motion. The numbness is unreal. My whole body feels slightly tingly, but my emotions are almost completely absent today. I have a slight headache and am rather irritable.

I finally caved in and ate something. I was trying to avoid it in case I became nauseous, but that side affect is entirely absent from my system thus far. Remarkable really.

So here I am, with my mind barely here and my emotions nearly dead, writing this out. Some might call what I did a cry for help; others might call it a need for attention, but I don’t believe it was either. I believe I was trying to just make the world silent for a few minutes. It worked. I slept last night, almost an entire 6 hours. I’ve only been getting 2-4 hours of sleep a night this past week, so six straight undisturbed hours is a major accomplishment.

What is Abuse?

*The information below was taken from the Domestic Violence website. They also have some other good articles and resources available for anyone who may be in a dangerous situation.

Many people who are being abused do not see themselves as victims. Also, abusers do not see themselves as being abusive. People often think of domestic violence as physical violence, such as hitting. However, domestic violence takes other forms, such as psychological, emotional, or sexual abuse.

Domestic violence is about one person in a relationship using a pattern of behaviors to control the other person. It can happen to people who are married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated, or dating.

If your partner repeatedly uses one or more of the following to control you;

* pushing, hitting, slapping, choking, kicking, or biting
* threatening you, your children, other family members or pets
* threatening suicide to get you to do something
* using or threatening to use a weapon against you
* keeping or taking your paycheck
* puts you down or makes you feel bad
* forcing you to have sex or to do sexual acts you do not want or like
* keeping you from seeing your friends, family or from going to work

YOU HAVE BEEN ABUSED!!

Remember threatened or actual physical violence may be illegal. Consider calling the police for help

Okay, this is straight from the pages of my recent journal entries.. so hoping it still makes sense. I NEED to post this here because it’s the only way I can convey what is going on. Because it touches on MANY different subjects, it feels best here. Feel free to move it elsewhere if needed.

DAY 1- Sunday May 16, 2010

(MAY contain RELIGIOUS TRIGGERS)

Talking to Pastor T and Mrs H today may have saved my life. I felt so out of control this morning, out of control and unsafe. I just had to get out of the house and knew I needed to go to church. So, reluctantly I went, even though I didn’t want to. Something told me I had to, and it wasn’t guilt.

I feel a sense of relief, not hiding my secret inside. SOMEONE KNOWS! I thought I would feel ashamed, but they didn’t make me feel that way at all. Instead, I feel relieved and loved.

Mrs. H said I should take a long look at my life and decide what I want and who I want to be, and then start living that out. That’s hard to make sense of, but I am trying. I want to be a good moth, a good homemaker, a good friend, a strong person of faith. I also want a good marriage.

One of the hardest parts about all of this is not feeling strong enough to go after what I want, or like I don’t deserve those things, but I know that there is something better meant for me.

Some of the things I DON’T want in my life any longer are easier to identify. I don’t want to feel mistreated by my spouse. I don’t want to feel rejected, neglected, and resented. I don’t want to feel out of control with my children. I want to feel like a loving, patient, understanding, and firm mom. I want to be a positive role model for my girls.

I don’t want to sit by and not pursue my dreams for the sake of my spouse. He can either support me or not, but I want to become the woman I feel I should be.

Knowing how to meae these things happen is much more difficult. Perhaps in the area of my marriage I can try ONE LAST TIME to lay it on the line and hope for change. I have already hoped so much; do I have it in me to hope any more? Something to consider..

For my children, I really need to learn how to be a good parent. I didn’t have good models at their ages, and thus far, I haven’t been a very good model myself. I need to learn. I need to do better.

As far as my dreams go, I will continue my education and look for a job to help ease the financial situation we’re going through. There is a plan, I just need the vision to see it. Hoping this will help me see.